For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
