Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
