Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
