Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
just tell him i said nine months
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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