I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
