I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
