I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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