I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
