new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
