if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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