GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
