Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
