we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
