This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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