and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
