Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
