im about as happy as oj after his trial
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
