Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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