Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
