You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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