Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
