pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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