Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
