she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
