Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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