Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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