tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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