I faked an abortion last night.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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