i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
