I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
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Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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