Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
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