dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
