my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
