dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
