Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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