3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
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He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
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We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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