Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
