Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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