also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
