if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
