I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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