i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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