you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
