I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
