I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
