you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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