I looked at my own cervix.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
