What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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