It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
