I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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