im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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