thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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