I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
