It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
