We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
